David Silverman’s Worst Boss Ever

Posted on | March 31, 2009 |

The following is David Silverman’s imagined manifesto for terrible bosses everywhere. It is excerpted with permission from The Start-Up Diaries.

1. Change your mind. Change it several times a day. When reviewing a report, be sure to make comments that run counter to previous ones. Leave the employees guessing. It keeps them alert.

2. Be sure your employees don’t know what’s important to you. You want the best work possible, period. You don’t want them cutting corners just because something isn’t very important. Everything is important. Always.

3. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. You don’t have to explain. They just need to make it “better.” If you give them too much direction, how will they learn? For example: “I don’t know what you want from me, just make the PowerPoint ’sexier.’”

4. Bring your employees along to all your meetings. But don’t let them speak. By not talking, they have to listen. Just like a Dictaphone. Then they can remind you of anything you napped through.

5. Thank your employees — but only for efforts below their skill level. “Thank you for showing up today.” “Nice handwriting on that expense report.” Begin the staff meeting by thanking the intern for comb-binding your files.

6. Schedule weekly “all hands” meetings that require half the employees to travel (to you, of course). Agenda: they bring you up to date on what they’ve been emailing you, but you’ve been too busy to read. Don’t introduce anything new.

7. Ask your tech savvy employees to take time from their projects to set up your home computer, preferably when the maid is there. Ideally, the request includes troubleshooting your kids’ iPods.

8. Agree to deadlines and then accelerate them. Ask loudly from the hallway if the document is ready at 4:59pm. Announce: “I’m here late tonight if you want to finish it up.”

9. Schedule “critical” meetings a few days before Christmas. Require random employees from around the world to attend. Show up late and decide everyone can reconvene to “close the open issues” on January 2nd.

10. Send emails at 2am. On Sunday. Mark them urgent.

11. Be careful not to get too wrapped up in your employee’s own goals. If you’re too supportive in helping them develop, they’ll leave you for another job. And that’s not good management.

You can read David’s hilarious piece in full here.

David Silverman is the author of Typo: The Last American Typesetter or How I Made and Lost 4 Million Dollars (Soft Skull Press, 2007). His blog chronicles the trials and tribulations of David and two longtime friends who are trying to start an Internet music company called Jamseed.

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